The Downtown Farmhouse

I lay here in the dark

It’s 2:30am

Why?

My cute hubs text went off at 1:00am

I rolled over and thought it was mine. Not because I frequent texting in the middle of the night but because my father in law is in the hospital and with each ding, no matter whose phone it is, it makes me think of him.

We live 2 1/2 hours away from the rest of the Kern family and in times like this, it’s difficult.

It’s hard to know we can’t just be there in 10 minutes

It’s hard to know that the sisters are handling the brunt of all the decisions and caring for Dad and his dog

It’s hard to not be right there.

To be able to walk the dog or sit by his bed .

It’s all just hard

The text?

It was random

But now I lay here wide awake

Do I get up?

Do I search for the NyQuil to go back to sleep?

It’s a big day tomorrow and I have book club tomorrow night.

I could go finish my taxes but who really wants to do that?

I think I’ll just pray

Do you mind I if pray through writing?

Father God,

As I lay here in the darkness I can feel your infinite grace. I can feel your peace, your love and your kindness. My mind wanders to my FIL Bill. He has had such a long and full life. What a hard worker he was. Now he is aged. He just seems so sad. It breaks my heart to see him sad and lacking the agility his body once had.

He falls and every time I wonder how he feels. Not just pain wise but his heart. I pray to you right this second to fill his heart with peace. Give him a feeling that he might not know what it is. A calmness. I don’t know how to pray for him. I feel helpless from so far away. I pray so hard for the sisters and for Steve. I pray for their strength. I pray for the knowledge in regards to the next days. I pray for comfort and for the peace to know how to proceed with dads care.

The last few weeks have been many people asking for prayer. Friends seeking guidance and time. The world we live in is hard. It’s confusing and there aren’t many clear answers but all I can do is point them to you.

You have the answers.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

I was 19 he was 21.

His sister and I attended a youth group together on Wednesday nights.

I was single and she had a brother

He sat at the restaurant/bar table as we entered. He was sitting with a very pregnant woman.

Why would I be meeting someone who was soon to be a daddy?

He stood up in his white pants and red striped button down shirt.

Dang he was tall

Most of my previous boyfriends were……. well slackers is the only word I can come up with.

No job

No car

Little ambition

I was looking for something else, that’s for dang sure. I was currently in Dental assisting school at the vocational school. I had zero college aspirations but knew I needed to further my education somehow.

He was in EMT school and getting ready to graduate and move on to the Fire Academy.

Coincidence that my Dad was a Lieutenant for the BFD (Bradenton Fire Department) and my brother was also on the Department?

This just seemed too easy but then there was that pregnant girl……..

His sister. The other sister.

He had brought his sister, the pregnant one to listen to the house band. Her husband was a firefighter too.

What in the world?

It felt right

We went out on our first date that Friday night, March 30, 1984

He took me to dinner and a movie in HIS CAR!

He was a gentleman

He had ambition

He loved his family

He was a keeper and today……February 9, 2020, we celebrate 35 years of marriage

We probably still shouldn’t be together but God had other plans for us

He had plans of love and a family

He had plans of abundance and security

He had plans of friends and a future.

I’m so grateful His plans are greater than mine

This weekend, we spend together. It doesn’t matter what we do or where we go.

Time together

Laughs and food

Some extra sweet times with friends who have been around forever is how we will spend this weekend

How blessed we truly are

I don’t sit well

I like to stay moving and sometimes it’s move or sleep and not much in between.

Last week, I hurt my back and I didn’t have an option but to sit. It even hurt to sit so I laid down a lot. At the same time, my cute husband had the flu so we laid down together.

Not normal at all for us

How to stop a hurting back was my google search

The search and a recommendation brought an answer.

Epson Salt and a soak in the tub

Our Master bathroom tub is original to the old house. It was here long before the previous owners wrecked it.

Now it sits in all its beauty underneath the window.

It’s been painted a couple of times

Jack loves it!

Showers are faster

There’s no tub ring to clean

Good grief, I might have to actually rest for 30 minutes.

I filled up the tub with super hot water and added the Epson Salt.

I soaked up to my neck for 30 glorious minutes and then I soaked some more.

It was heavenly

The only thing missing was a place for my recent book and a cup of coffee.

The next day, when my back was better, I headed to the garage and searched through my wood scraps until I found enough to make a tub tray.

Now………I have everything I need to soak sometimes even when my back doesn’t hurt.

Have a fantastic Tuesday!

Charma

This is not about you

Or you

Or you

It’s just my thoughts

It comes from experiences and conversations. It comes from time and living life.

2020 is my year to turn down the noise. It requires part of my brain that doesn’t work quite as well as the other half. It requires me to actually check in with myself and make sure things are going the way they should.

A few things I have pondered on…..this month of January 2020.

1. I am an extroverted introvert. I love to be around people and I think I am liked. But enough is enough. I can’t go non-stop. I can’t have plans more than a couple times a week or I start to fall apart. I need time alone to recharge and I need people at the same time. It sounds kind of selfish when I type it out but it is who I am and I will protect myself. I’ve done pretty good this month. A whole 26 days! Go me!!

2. I have a pretty small circle. I don’t trust well and I am cautious about who I bring into my circle. Recently I have felt the circle might still be too big. Turning down the noise will require conversations and restrictions. I don’t like it. I don’t like confrontation and I might have to throw up before it happens.

3. I live in a pool of guilt. I feel guilty for being happy. I feel guilty feeling sad. I feel guilty for the life I have. I feel guilty for _______________. Name it. I probably feel it. No one thinks these things. It’s all me. I’m working on taking those handcuffs off and letting myself out of jail.

4. I want those that I love to know I love them. I am interested in you. I want to know your love language so that I can fill your love tank. I’m working on this one. BIG TIME.

Kolbe BRYANT died today. Along with his teenage daughter. Even celebrities don’t know the day they will take their last breath. No one knows the day they will meet their maker. No one knows when they will stand at the feet of Jesus and account for our lives. So many loved ones have gone before us just this month. So many friends are grieving.

I don’t know who reads my words. It might be many and it might be few but we have a responsibility to speak Jesus in front of everyone. I don’t want to stand before Jesus and have to explain why I kept silent.

Do you?

I read the note below today. I wish I could text my Dad today.

Have a fantastic week,

Charma

Today, I hope you remember to…

Dance in the kitchen.

Laugh over pizza.

Cuddle on the couch.

Invite people over.

Leave the mess.

Hold your babies.

Kiss your husband.

Tell your wife she’s beautiful.

Text your dad.

Call your momma.

Show up for your friends.

Be kind to strangers.

Share your favorite joke.

Remember old stories.

Say your prayers.

Express your gratitude.

Write in your journal.

Read in the Good Book.

Breathe in the moment.

Let go of hate.

Hold onto joy.

Help the hurting.

Give a little more.

Worry a little less.

Love a lot harder.

Don’t take any of it for granted.

Do you ever take time to look up?

Maybe it’s at the sky in the morning or at sunset

Maybe it’s to your very tall husband if you are like me💜

This morning, I was stretching my very sore back and took a moment to look up.

The only rug in the house that is available for laying on is in the parlor, the piano room, the room where the desk is.

Whatever you want to call it….

The first thing I see is this cute light. If you want to read about how it was made, you can see it here All the feels

I never get tired of seeing this light. It casts the prettiest pattern/shadow on the ceiling.

When I spin around and look behind me, I see the fireplace. Wow, what a transformation it is.

She’s a real beauty now vs, falling apart from the inside out. One day she might even have fire again.

I look over and see the piano bench. It doesn’t get a lot of use, but every week I get to give piano lessons to my sweet friend Ayden. One day, Jack and Luke will get lessons as well and all of those weekly lessons that Mom and Dad paid for, for me will not be in vain.

I look out the front window and what do I see? Little boy fingerprints. It’s a friendly reminder that I have a sweet 2 year old that fills our home with love and that I can clean later.

Above my head is a wall full of pictures. Pictures of those I love. Those that I call husband, children, grandchildren, parents and more. The wall holds special memories and thoughts of those that have gone before us and reminders of so many things

On the other side of the room, there is a desk. It might not be the most exciting place to sit but it was a fun project. You can read about it here Table to desk

When I see this desk I am thankful for the house we pay for, the lights we have and the jobs that pay the bills. So many things to be thankful for

Don’t forgot sometimes to look up

Love,

The girl heading out to yard sale today. Wish me luck!

Cancer is a pariah.

It does not discriminate

It’s an epidemic in our world and no one wants to hear the words “you have cancer.” Our family has heard the words and I’m sure most families have dealt with cancers wrath.

My cousin Jamey has fought hard

7 long years

There have been times Dr’s have said this is it. This battle is too big. She has had surgeries she should not have survived from. She has parts of her body removed that most could not live without.

In March of 2018, Mom and I traveled to New Orleans to be with Jamey as she had another surgery. You can read about it here.

https://abandonedocala.com/2018/03/21/two-days-in-new-orleans/

This Wednesday she received the words “you are cancer free.”

I cried tears of joy

I would love to squeeze her so tight but we live 1000 miles apart.

Wednesday was the same day we watched as our government fights. We watched the news about our President.

I might loose readers today.

I don’t care.

God is in control people.

Don’t you ever forget.

It doesn’t matter if you vote Republican or Democrat, if your skin is black, white or purple, My God sits on the throne and he is the boss.

God chose to heal Jamey

God also chose to take her husband to heaven less than two months ago. And while the last months have been some of the hardest to comprehend, she still chooses to thank God for his healing.

My God wrote my story.

He also wrote yours.

He knows the number of hairs on your head and He knew that He would heal Jamey.

The promises He makes are faithful and true.

The ONLY thing that I KNOW is that one day I will be in heaven with the ones who have gone before me and I am so excited to see Dad and my grandparents and so many friends.

I’m also excited to see what God plans to do with Jamey.

He has great plans.

I love you sweet cousin. So very much.

We’ve made it to the middle of December.

December and the holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

I try.

I really try to be joyful and love the holidays but I just don’t.

The weather doesn’t help. I’m a summer girl. I like the sun and the warm. Bring on the warm. I don’t like socks and I have to wear them when it’s cold. Today it will be 80 degrees so flip flops it is.

The time changes and it’s dark so early and when it’s dark, I want to go to bed and who goes to be at 6:30?

December is Dads heaven month. I’ve been weepy and my sweet best friend Becky said to me a couple of weeks ago that while I might not feel grief, my body is telling me that the time is approaching to click over another year without Dad. 2 years is a long time and it seems like yesterday we were building things and he was rolling his eyes at me. We were having chicken wings at the local restaurant and playing with baby Jack who is now 2 1/2. I remind Jack when we see a picture of Dad but he will only remember being told of Papa PeeWee. He won’t know how much he was loved.

Grieving is not only for another person but for experiences that can no longer happen due to unforeseen circumstances.

I watched this sweet girl sing in church a few weeks ago. We used to sing together almost weekly.

Now we don’t.

As I sat and sang the sweet worship songs, tears flowed as I grieved what used to be.

The people that I miss.

Even if it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t not make it hard

Grieving is not being able to do the things you have always been able to do. We age. Our bodies don’t always cooperate and we grieve what “used to be.”

I spoke to Mom and her BFF Dee a few weeks ago and we talked about aging and how just because you are old doesn’t mean you don’t deserve respect. No one wants to be treated as if they are old. No one wants to be spoken to like you are incompetent or unable to make a decision. Aging isn’t always pretty and don’t you think the older folks know they are slower and maybe need a little help now and then.

Don’t forget they were your age once and one day you will be their age, if you are lucky.

Grieving sucks

Plain and simple

But it’s also a part of life that we have to go through. You can’t jump over it or hide under it. We must push through like nobody’s business and as we near the end of this month, I might not smile right away, but it will come.

I promise.